THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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