I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
