I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
