tonight lets celebrate not being married
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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