So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
sarcasm needs its own font
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
