You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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