yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
