He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
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You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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