We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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