I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
