I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
