also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
