i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
