i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
