Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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