Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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