I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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