I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
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he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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