ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
