If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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