Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
