Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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