If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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