So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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