Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
