I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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