i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
