I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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