How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
