I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
