Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
