he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten