theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
