As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
