Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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