It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My dick has a subreddit
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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