So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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