You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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