Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Randomize
