I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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