i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
