At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
