I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Come see our sink grown plant.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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