People in love make me want to vomit
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
