i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
