I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
