Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I supernannyed him into submission
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
