my phone needs a breathalizer
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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