He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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