her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
