but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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