I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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