You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
