I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
