If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
