just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
