Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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