Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
