i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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