hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Did you just see the Batmobile???
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
