i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?