Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part