So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
