so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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