i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
