Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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