I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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