Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
