he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
