I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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