Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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